Deadlines

There is an inverse relationship between an approaching deadline and the ability to write above the level of a 5th grader.

It's simple, really.  Those pesky deadlines are always far off in the distance, nothing but a glimmer on the horizon.  The editor and her needs do not exist.  Every day, every scene I experience sparks a new and original idea for articles or stories that the masses will love.  I am Tolstoy.  I am Fitzgerald.  Ideas flow from me like cool water springing forth from the fertile ground of my mind.

Then, five days before it's due, I get that friendly email reminder from the editor, and ideas evaporate like dew on a summer morning.  I can't articulate a sentence and the fertile ground of my mind is a barren wasteland.  Nothing I think of is interesting, no idea I come up with sounds remotely readable.  My ideas are passé, cliched, and overdone.  My style is weak.   I scramble, I look through old, unused articles.  Maybe I can revamp something, maybe I wrote something months ago that I forgot about.  But the well is dry.

The deadline is now.  The editor sends one more email.  I've got nothing.  Pressure, frantic pressure builds.  I write.  It's horrible.  I rewrite, it's still horrible.  I scrap the whole thing.  I email her asking for one more day.  She grants it and then I waste my time watching reruns of Gilligan's Island.  Mary Ann is hot.

I finally come up with a masterpiece!  No, that's a lie, and not even a convincing lie.  But I send it to her, anyway.  My email is apologetic.  "Sorry this sucks so bad.  Wait, I meant badly!  Or did I?  Oh hell, whatever."

Now On Twitter!!

Follow me on Twitter @mattnealwriter today!!

If you do, then I will send each new subscriber a mental hug and my best wishes.

(Best wishes may be delayed up to three weeks and can increase during the St. Patrick's Day season.  Mental hug will be instantaneous, as long as our new servers can handle the immense volume.)

Something New - Short Stories and Segments

     I'm going to add something new.  I'll start posting a few short stories here and there, as well as a few segments.  A segment is either the beginning of a story or a segment of a story.  I love to write and sometimes I'm just trying to hit a certain mood, or push a certain idea.  So a segment is an incomplete story meant to do just that.  Rarely does a segment ever evolve into a full story...but it might.

Putting Yourself Out There as a Writer

Writers put themselves out there.  I never realized I would get such hate mail, people attacking me personally, saying such horrible things, over such innocent, humorous articles in a magazine.  It takes a lot out of you.

I thought that if I avoid politics, religion, anything controversial, I could make people smile.  But that's not true.  People seem to be looking for reasons to hate, reasons to make you feel bad.

Even this blog is just about classic book reviews.  I never criticize the authors, I only discuss the books themselves.  But I get more hate mail than positive feedback.  And the hate mail always attacks me personally.  It's like I have to walk in lock-step with whoever happens to be reading me, or else they feel the right to attack me personally.  People don't live and let live anymore.  It's all about total, 100% agreement with their point of view, or else you are a despicable person who must die.

I'll have to ponder this more before I can give some philosophical, helpful insight.  At the moment, I'm still stunned.

Update:

The local woman who sent me that email is Tathata Revis.  The email was extremely vile, and made sexual references to my daughter.  I don't know this person, but the situation concerns me.  She lives in the same small town as me, and who knows what she is capable of.  Certainly I wouldn't put it past her to contact me again, or try to contact my family.  Tathata Revis is the kind of person who would probably send emails to my editor to get me (or anyone she dislikes or disagrees with) off the magazine.  Her motto must be "Reach out and hurt someone."

The Drones Are Coming!!

So you want to read a book but you don't want to go to the library or bookstore.  Sure, you could grab your tablet or smart device of choice and download practically anything in a few seconds.  But suppose you want the feel of paper, or perhaps a leather bound copy of some old classic.

Well, worry no more.  Soon, Amazon will have flying robots bring you a book quicker than the pizza can get there.  No, I'm not kidding.  Amazon Prime Air promises to use drones for deliveries.  And if you've noticed, these quadcopter drones are all the rage right now.  I've drooled over several myself, and watched countless videos of them.

The problem, I believe, will be that these suckers will get stolen left and right.  They are unmanned, just flying along, and someone shoots it out of the air, or grabs it when it's on the ground, or throws something at it when it's low to knock it out of the sky.  Good ones today sell for 400-500 bucks.  One that has GPS, is completely automated, has a 10 mile range, and can carry a few pounds will easily sell for a grand or more each.

But still, technology is way cooler each year.

Audiobook Narration

Is it just me, or do you hate to hear an audiobook narrated with the "wrong" voice?  A British novel should not be narrated by an American.  A southern drawl should not be faked.  Mark Twain books should not be narrated by someone from Brooklyn.  And when I listen to Tolstoy, I prefer English with a Russian accent.

On the way to work the other morning, I popped in a CD audiobook of Dickens' A Christmas Carol.  It was a standard midwestern American accent.  Boo!  That book is supposed to take us back to early Victorian England, and anything but a British accent just doesn't cut it.

As far as male/female, it should be based on the main character.  Normally, authors write main characters with the same sex as themselves, but not always.  I would expect Jane Austen novels to be narrated by a British female.  But Charles Dickens novels might be a British male or female, depending on the book.  And I certainly don't want to hear Clive Cussler's Dirk Pitt stories narrated by anyone but a tough sounding American male.

Are you with me?  Good.

So anyway, what are you guys doing tonight?  I'm up for anything.

Halloween Village

This is what I've been doing instead of posting reviews.  This little gem took weeks to carve and paint.  It's my first one.  Maybe next year I'll expand.  Maybe by next year my wife will have forgiven me for spending a boatload of money on these expensive little "Spooky Town" houses and things.

Update: Video does look bad, I know.  It looked great before uploading.  Don't know how to make it higher quality.

F. Scott Fitzgerald's Suggested Reading List

The story takes place in the mid 1930s.  F. Scott Fitzgerald was in a bad way.  He was battling alcoholism and depression.  His wife, Zelda, was admitted to the Highland Hospital of North Carolina.  While staying at the Grove Park Inn, in Asheville, NC, he fired a revolver in a suicide attempt.  After that, the Grove Park Inn wanted him to leave, but allowed him to stay if he had someone to look after him.

Enter Dorothy Richardson.  Dorothy was both his nurse and companion.  The story goes that he eventually became friends with her and wanted to help her literary growth.  So he gave her a list of 22 books that he recommended.  Richardson wrote at the top of the list the following words:

"These are books that S.F. thought should be required reading."

Inferno, by Dan Brown - Predictions

I'm not planning to read this book, not for a while.  Based on his last book, The Lost Symbol, which had a plethora of plot holes, Dan Brown seems to have lost steam.  I don't know anything about Inferno, all I did was glance at the cover on Amazon without even reading the blurb.  So here are my predictions.

Music is Feeling with Sound

I don't usually post videos on this site, but this one deserves to be enjoyed.  The quote, "Music is Feelings with Sound" comes to mind when I watch this.

Audible for Audiobooks

Is audible a good deal?  That's what you want to know.  The answer is a mixed bag, so here's what I found out.

Audible sells audiobooks, but not on CD.  You download them from their website.  The problem is they are in a special format.  It ends with ".aa".  What this means is you have to use special Audible software to play these files.  That's the problem people have with using Audible.

I'll start with the good.

Summer of '84

Think of palm trees, sea shells, pina coladas, and endless summer days.  Remember when you were about 19, hanging out at the beach or the lake with friends, throwing a frisbee or just laying on a towel?  Somewhere nearby, that familiar summer song comes on the radio.  Those are the memories I'm pulling out of my own past.

Manly Months Humor

Time to start Manly Months!  Best to start these things with some fun.

Like many people do on a Friday night, I was looking up Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor, and came across this video.  Then I saw the size of this organ and said, "Holy Cow, look at the size of that organ!".

And then the response popped in my head.  You score 3 extra Rambler points for guessing the correct response.

Dance, You Crazy Daddy-O

We used to hang out in Buckhead - club central of Atlanta.  We'd go to the clubs, go dancing with friends.  Chillin', lookin' hot. We had it going on.

Then we got married.  And moved to the suburbs.  Kids.  Cub Scouts.  Soccer practice.  Bake sales.

My 10 year old daughter put Just Dance 4 into the Wii, and I figured this is a good chance to show her my old moves.

Like, Stop Saying That, Dad!

I've been told to stop.

"I was like, what are you talking about?" 

"Dad, you're not allowed to say 'like'."

My 10 year old informed me that "old people" can't use "kid words".  Well, I told that young lady a thing or two!  I grew up in the 70's and 80's.  We invented half the slang they use today.

"I know, right?" 

"Dad, you can't say 'right' anymore, either."

Lessons on Writing from Downton Abbey

Raise your hand if you thought it was Downtown Abbey.  Yeah, me too.

If you like that show, you may have something in particular about either the format or storyline that keeps you watching.  I noticed something that is so obvious yet so subtle that many people might have overlooked it.  It's something that's well worth remembering, and is worth applying to my own writing style.

Oh Come Ye Next Apocalypse

The problem with apocalypses, as opposed to Christmas or New Years, is that they only come once and you really have to enjoy them while you can.  I feel like I didn't get enough out of this last end of the world.  Years ago I imagined having a huge Mayan World's End Bash.  But instead I went to bed early while the wife watched reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

A Midnight Tale

In the darkness of a winter's night, I lay in bed, fast asleep.  A sudden movement, and I am startled awake.  My wife is beside me.  She kicks the covers, then is still for a moment.  But in a sudden thrashing, she turns and spins.  In the gloom I can see her eyes.  She's staring at the ceiling.

Curse You, Facebook!

This is why I hate Facebook.

I ran across something on Facebook the other day that really chapped my hide.  It's a couple.  These are two people I never needed to see again.  When I was 14 I was so in love with this girl.  It was 1979.  We were both in the 9th grade.  But she fell in love with another guy.  We'll call him X, for Xtremely Getting In My Way.  X was in the 11th grade.  X and Y (for Y didn't you pick me!) started dating at that tender, young age.  She was freaking fourteen!  She wasn't supposed to find her "forever love".  But she did.  And now it's like a hundred years later and they are still together.

There's a picture of them on Facebook and they're all so freakin' happy and sappy together, him with his graying hair and pictures of their grown kids and everything.  Sheesh.

See, the problem is I never had my chance.  This dude swooped in before I could get puberty under control and talk to her.  She was my first love.  But her first love was X.  I guess he was her last love.  What a freakin' waste of time to know all this crap, all thanks to Facebook.

Matt's Very First Post...on this blog

In one great fit of energy I deleted all my other blogs and am starting fresh and new, like a freakin' daisy or sum'n.  I never could decide on any specific topic, my teenage fear of commitment still lurks inside me.

This blog is about book reviews, random thoughts, and breaking into the literary world.  So The Literary Rambler not only fits well, but was actually available on Blogger.  I will try to bring order from my chaotic mind by starting book reviews with something inconceivable, like "Book Review".  Or sum'n.